Burnout...

I have been torturing myself for months because I just couldn't get excited about anything. At first I thought it was all because of a recurring bout of depression. Maybe it was. But I got that treated and I am already feeling much better. But still no lust for life, no creative juice, no sense that I want to build something again. And then in the car yesterday, I asked Jacques if he seriously believed that it will all come back to me with time, it hit me like that blow from a hammer.

I burned out a year ago.

I am still going through the recovery. And that is why I struggle so much. Yes Jacques, you said it to me many times and I didn't hear you. But now that I've read nine articles, I know that it is indeed what is wrong with me.

What a strange realisation for 31 December 2011.

Farewell Steve

I woke up today with the news that my hero has died.

I have to reflect on this - now - so that I don't betray the incredible emotions I felt today. I feel incredibly sad - so sad that I can hardly think.

The last time something affected me as this did was when Jenny died. It is hard to describe - I didn't know him, but it feels as though I did. When Jenny died, I heard about it through an off-hand remark on a phone call. When Steve died, I heard it from someone else. I had to ask him to repeat what he said to me. But the same bombshell struck both times. I was near to tears for most of the day - I am still now.

Why do I feel this way? I realised that I was drawing parallels between his life and my one. We both got kicked out of the company we loved. We both had to start over. I have some of the things he said that inspired me most on my computer and I look at it every day. It is that what gave me the will to go on.

It is so sad that the end came the way it did. I was still hoping that he would make a surprise appearance on Tuesday with the new iPhone launch. That didn't happen. He is dead now.

I must say, the man was amazing. He is one of the very few people in this world that truly inspired me. I want to be like him.

I will miss him very much indeed.

Farewell Steve.

I haven't blogged for a long time. Too long. Much has happened. Most recently I finished this book. True it took me less than twenty minutes to read. But then I read it twice again. That took the rest of the hour. I like the way the author simplified some of the biggest issues one can face. B calls it Zombies. I call it issues. But it is important to not get stuck.

I realised that I got stuck in my past the last couple of months. It is really time to move on. So much changed since that dreadful day in January. I am still looking for a purpose, but not as much as before. This last weekend I embarked on a new journey that will shape things in the coming months. I can't say much, except that it will cause a whole lot of red next year :)

Why a good working knowledge of English is important

Jacques and I went to his school today. I spotted these bags of dishwasher salt in the corner of the kitchen. I asked him about it. He explained it to me as follows. Kilogram. Gram. Dishwasher salt. One Polish immigrant. (She got confused with gram vs kilogram!).

My Orchid Babies

I've got 20 of them now. Growing them indoors next to my computer. The best way to keep them happy is to use distilled water and to "spritz" them every morning before work. I used to water them, but since I stopped doing that, they absolutely flourished. The are happy in a cool room (18C), with only artificial light.

Loganberry

One thing I will definitely have at the new flat is a collection of berries on the balcony. Saw a loganberry for the first time. The last photo is not mine, but gives you an idea what they look like.

- Posted from my iPhone

English Nursery

First time I ever saw these plants. Nursery labeled them "Alpines". They are very pretty used as part of Living Roofs. One day I'll have a garden again. These ones are labeled "Sempervivum", as in always alive. That is appropriate I think.

Cherries 1W after blooms

I'm addicted to cherries. This is what they look like one week after the blooms fell off.


- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Victoria Close,Rickmansworth,United Kingdom

Look how cool this is...

It is a model of a NYC street corner. Look at the level of detail and how small everything is (there is a coin visible in some of the photos).

More here and here.

This is not it

I almost swallowed my coffee when I spotted this sign around the corner from where we live. It reads: "DO NOT RING THE DOORBELL IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE BROTHEL - THIS IS NOT IT!"

Location:Middlesex St,City of London,United Kingdom

Sign in the window of #52a New Goulston Street.

Colour me purple

You have got to see this. I don't like (read faint) dead things in formaline. But they are something else.

Tree Spiders

Yikes... Look at this article. Eerie...

A Package from SA... Yes it is far, far away (and thanks Mom)

(And yes - those are stamps all around the edge - no idea how she managed to do it!)

Some Gardening Clippings from the Evening Standard

Tonight an interesting mini-series about urban gardening. I am sure I can link to the articles online, but this looks so much better! Enjoy

Cool idea for a nursery reception?

Have a look at this place. It is a great idea to take an old 20ft shipping container and paint it green and clad it in wood.

Would love to have this house

Have a look at this house in London. I just love the way it manages to be small and big at the same time. The best part is the staircase.

And the kitchen is small and functional, yet very modern.

More about bipolar disorder

Two weeks ago the Psychiatrist phoned me and told me that he thinks that I may have bipolar disorder. I have major depression - I have known that for a long time. Ever since that call, I started thinking about this and doing some research.
One thing that I always found strange and inexplicable is that I work better the day after a night in which I couldn't sleep. Today is a good example. I woke at 2:00 this morning and didn't sleep again. I managed to write a large number of pages in my document I am working on, design a complex database schema and study a bunch of strange ideas. In truth, I should have been bone tired.
An hour ago I found these:

One of the most signature symptoms of mania (and to a lesser extent, hypomania) is what many have described as racing thoughts. These are usually instances in which the manic person is excessively distracted by objectively unimportant stimuli. This experience creates an absentmindedness where the manic individual's thoughts totally preoccupy him or her, making him or her unable to keep track of time, or be aware of anything besides the flow of thoughts. Racing thoughts also interfere with the ability to fall asleep. This rapid succession of thought that is difficult to follow is known as "flight of ideas".

...the primary trigger for (and the primary symptom of) acute mania is sleep deprivation.

I can also 'work', when I haul myself out of bed at 4:00 and immediately start working.
What frustrates me, is that I have not realised this. For a long time, I experienced these periods I called "Hyperfocus", during which I am able to build incredible stuff and write articles and am generally creative. I have used Ritalin and Concerta for a long time and tonight I found this clause:

Some medications may cause symptoms that mimic mania. Some medications may trigger a manic episode through hyperarousal of the limbic system and subsequent sleep deprivation. These may include: amphetamines and other stimulants (Provigil, Nuvigil, Adipex), caffeine (caffeine/taurine energy drinks)

This matches my experience almost exactly. Then there are times when it doesn't work. Specifically when I feel I am depressed, but also "focused", but I cannot do anything. (Called "Mixed affective episode"). I never understood how I can simultaneously feel horrible and at the same time "Racing thoughts" occur. The meds do not help at all then.

Census 2011 - They are going to 'enforce' it

[photo: GETTY]
Three weeks ago I received my census forms in the mail. In the cover letter they said that it is mandatory to complete the survey and return the forms. I told Jacques that I am pretty sure that they will enforce it if we don't complete the census. Now I have confirmation.

Anyone who repeatedly refuses to take part in the once-in-a-decade population count will face criminal prosecution and a £1,000 fine as the Office for National Statistics steps up efforts to catch census evaders.

I guess the emphasis is on repeated. This is typical of Britain. If you don't pay, you are fined. If you don't complete the census you are fined. Ask Jacques - he didn't pay a £1-00 parking fee and he got fined £90-00. That is why they have cameras everywhere. To collect the fines.

Degu - A new and very cute animal

Look at what I found in a pet store in East London today:



They are called "Degus" - the cutest rats I have ever seen.

Wikipedia article

Tomorrow the noise starts again...

... because it is Sunday and it is time for the Market in Petticoat Lane:



(I took this video directly below our flat, when they have already started packing up).

HMS Invincible is no more

Earlier this week HMS Invincible was steamed (with typical ruthless British expediency) to her fate in Turkey. The ship was the first carrier 'cut' from the budget last year. Ark Royal is still to go. But it is a sad affair nevertheless. I have no idea how the new HMS Queen Elizabeth will do, but she is still several years into the future. Can you imagine the energy that went into that ship? The national honour?

Speaking of ships. I am halfway through Vulcan 607 now. No idea how Britain would have managed to pull off the same without HMS Invincible. But then the Iron Lady's been at the helm. Although this picture does not show Invincible, you can get a feel for 1982 - almost a decade before Ruan was born :).

Government 'rolls out the red carpet' for entrepreneurs and investors

Isn't this crazy:

Government 'rolls out the red carpet' for entrepreneurs and investors

This is now after they closed Tier 1. It does not affect me, fortunately. But it is distressing by itself just trying to keep up with the changes.

Clocks go forward

Tonight we take a jump forward in time. Yes, that is right - the night is one whole hour shorter. You can see the OFFICIAL version here:

In a practical sense, that means that it will still be dark at 7:00 tomorrow, but the sun won't set until after 19:00. Great!

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

I read "Spiritual Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse" today in an attempt to recover my own self respect and to simply feel better. Clearly the author has had experienced much the same as I have - it is comforting to know I am not completely nuts. I don't like her writing style - far too many exclamation marks and short paragraphs. I also don't like the way she mixed useful psychological information with her own spiritual views. The book would have been far more useful (and shorter) if she left that out.
However, she clearly knows a lot about narcissists and how torecover from the experience. I agree with most of what she writes.

Here are a few quotes I find particularly appropriate:

A narcissist is a master at projection. He is unaware of his own subconscious feelings and projects them upon the ones closest to him. He will believe that his victim is doing to him what he, in all actuality, is doing to his victim.

My psychologist explained it like this: “A narcissist inside feels like the lowest worm. He really has no self-worth at all and so he depends on others to inflate him. Think of him like a deflated tire and you as the tire pumper. You have been pumping up his tire for him and when you refused to be his tire pumper he simply went and found someone else who would pump up his tire.”

My Most Favourite Thing...

This reminds me of a new life... And of Waldo...!

I got the photo off National Geographic as you can see :)

Visit to Kew

Jacques and I visited Kew yesterday - my first time in 10 years. Also my first time in many months that I took the camera out for a walk.

Here are a few photos:

One step forward

I had to suppress a giggle when I read Stiletto Girl's Post about the premature ambulance earlier today. Not that a vivid picture of a crash landing in an oil tanker did anything to mute things down.

Interesting day. Apparently my RNT caused someone to develop a serious case of Hyperaldosteronism and I scored myself 5+ on mood. And we think that at least one of us has a new job. And we had no incidents at all on the train today. Except that I took the wrong train and ended up in Watford.

Did you know that a pot of M&S bean salad has less than 120kcal?

Thank you Universe for I am Vegetarian!

Today while on the Tube to work, I spotted a couple of disused tunnels at Barbican station. I started reading about the station's history and discovered... Smithfield.

Imagine a place - in central London - where they sold, killed and sold millions of animals until very recently. It is hard to imagine. The trains bringing the poor creatures to their doom. The last few miles in the tunnels. And then this:

We are a cruel species are we not?

I forgot about the trains

Trauma. By the shipload. Nuclear melt-downs. Power supply 'challenges' at Embankment. Severe delays on the Circle, District and Metropolitan lines.

The Psych called today and suggested that I have Bipolar Disorder etc etc. Interesting times. I am very interested to learn how you treat Bi-polarism. (I suspect that bi-polar is a tautology - as I cannot find any references to tri-polar or mono-polar disorder anywhere). Perhaps I am just going nuts. Many people will say that.

Of Psychiatry and trains

Just a quick one. Today I had my bidecadal visit to the psychiatrist. To check that I am sane and that the RNT hasn't affected me permanently. And believe me. After a sixty minute interview, they tell me that they will write me a letter. But then that is the British way.

50 Days Later

Fifty days passed since everything changed. I have lost 10kg in weight. I am now a daily TFL commuter and I read the Metro. Every morning. Here is a quick update of everything that happened in the last few weeks.

Reverse Narcissistic Trauma (RNT)

I suffer from a condition I call RNT, sometimes known as RANT. There is probably a great description in the DSM IV for this, but I have no reason to look it up. For obvious reasons I didn't name it the NIT. 

It is what remains after a vicious encounter with a Narcissist. As a victim you are left with feelings of inadequacy, severe doubt about your own abilities and question marks all over the place. Sometimes I wish it was called KILL, but it is not. You could say that you feel you are going insane. But you are not. Trust me in this.  It is comorbid with depression and all the other unpleasantries you can imagine. More about this in a future post. 

Losing Weight

While reading the new iPad version of Reader's digest a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled on the Alternate Day Diet, also called the Up Day, Down Day Diet (First seen in the January 2011 Edition of Readers Digest). It made so much sense to me that I bought the book and started the very next day. The gist is that you restrict your diet to 500kCal or less every second day and eat normally the next. It is not impossible and 4 weeks later I have reduced the source of my carbon footprint by 10kg and that is just awesome. 

Caucasus Visit

I've been to the fringes of Europe for two weeks to continue work on a big financial project. It was great - gave me a lot of time to stare at my Philips SAD lamp and to cope with the impeding NITD doom I was yet to face then. Saw a bit of Istanbul on my way there and fell in love with Georgian Lobiani bread.