Demotivation

I feel awful today. I have the time, but not the energy and the motivation to work on... anything really. Started with a Google search on "demotivated working alone". It describes my current feeling best. Demotivated. Lonely. And then I hit this post. It breaks demotivation down to 10 sub-types:

1. You’re demotivated by fear
2. You’re demotivated by setting the wrong goals
3. You’re demotivated by lack of clarity about what you want
4. You’re demotivated by a values-conflict
5. You’re demotivated by lack of autonomy
6. You’re demotivated by lack of challenge
7. You’re demotivated by grief
8. You’re demotivated by loneliness
9. You’re demotivated by burn-out
10. You’re demotivated by not knowing what to do next

My biggies are in order #9, #8, #7 and perhaps a little bit of #6.

#9 Burnout

This is the big one. Even after 21 months, I've still not recovered from the burnout at PMT. I feel I still need more rest, but I am not getting that because of insomnia. 

#8 Loneliness

I am trying to do everything on my own. I don't have a team close to me that I can talk to and that works with me on my plans. Skype and IM are not substitutes for a real team. I have no clue how to fix this at present. The anti-madness woman said the same thing last week. I need to find someone that can sit next to me that can execute part of the plan. 

#7 Grief

Yep Grief. I am still grieving the loss of my company and the friends and support the gave me. This one is getting better - I've reestablished most of the friendships that were taken away from me, but one. I guess this will take time. One of the major issues remaining is that I need to come to terms with the loss of my team. This ties in with #8 above. I think as soon as I get the team-issue sorted, the grief will also go away. I big part of grief is also that I am not getting the validation I am looking for so desperately. Validation from the very people that betrayed me. How crazy is that? I guess step one is to understand that I have that need and then to accept that and not do anything about it. 

#6 Lack of a challenge

I think this is a secondary issue that will just go away as soon as I get the three issues above under control.