The story of the horse and carriage

Recently, I had to think hard again about the events of 22 months ago. Someone asked me if I really put the company at risk when I left in January 2011. What I can say, without any doubt whatsoever, is that if I didn't leave I would have done further damage to my health, perhaps unrecoverable.

So what happens when a founder, a key resource and a leader suddenly has to go? Does that put a company at risk, considering the circumstances? I don't know. What comes first? The company or the person?

I think I thought about a good analogy for the events as I experienced them then. I cracked that problem yesterday.

Imagine a heavy carriage, drawn by four horses. And a driver on top. Cracking her whip while we work our butts off. Picture something like this:

Our little company, happily trotting along in 2010

That is a little what our company was like at the end of 2010. Of course there were more horses, but some were on breaks and others were stabled so that the doctor could look at them. The three men with brown hats on top, they were our customers and all their baggage made the load quite heavy. I imagine myself as the horse at the front, the closest to the right edge of the photo. My right hand man was always on my side and we made a very good team. Behind the two of us, we had two other colleagues, doing their bit, faithful and loyal as always. Our beloved leader with the whip? Well the image doesn't do him justice. The real one looked more like this photo of Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, Empress of India and so on and so forth. You can get a sense of the personality from this classic photo of The Queen:

Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, Empress of India and so on and so forth

I have to add, that our leader usually wears a hat and not a crown. I am sure you know exactly what that hat looks like. HM Princess Beatrice borrowed it off him last year for the Royal Wedding. Yes, that hat. Imagine our driver with his hat on and you've got the picture. This is Princess Bea, not the driver, but it is his hat:

The famous hat

So back to my story. In December 2010, we were working hard to get our three customers and their luggage to where they need to be. But we were getting tired. And every time we stopped for water, the driver would load up more passengers and their luggage. And crack his whip. The burden was getting too heavy. My memory is foggy about the next part, but somewhere, while we were at full trot, the driver uncoupled two of the horses from the team and sent them on holiday. These two made up the right of the procession. He left the two of us on the left to carry on. So while the other horses were having a nibble and a trot, he himself jumped off the carriage for a well deserved rest. He cracked the whip, jumped and with the usual fanfare, he was gone. 

But as you can image, the show had to go on. So we were. Imagine a steep hill on the left, a winding road ahead and a sharp drop on the right. And then the ensemble started getting out of control. The wagon veered to the right. We pulled and pulled, but it made no difference. The cliff was next. At the very last moment, just before it fell, the two of us broke free and watched the carriage careen down the road. I don't know what happened to the carriage.

So back to the question. Did the horse put the company at risk? Or was the company doomed because of what happened earlier?

Guerrilla Knitter struck at the secret Thames Path

I took to the old, semi-derelict part of the Thames path today to sort out a few loose bolts in my mind. I was pondering the meaning of life and suchlike when I suddenly realised that something was very different. It was the pole on which the sign is mounted at the end of the blue-walled part of the path between the containers.

Something unusual is up in the alley

On closer inspection, it appears as it someone covered the two poles with knitted jackets of some kind? This was just weird.

I walked up to the the two poles and my eyes were drawn to the left. Astonishingly, they covered the railings of the disused steps too. The rest of the journey turned in a magical experience. I will try to show you.

Colour on the steps

Hallucination?

Adding colour to drab old boats.

White and red knitwear for steps

I came upon a tree with a cosy and colourful... stem garment?

Doily for a pretty tree

Another lamppost...

Lamppost with some added colour.

And an octopus with six legs caught in a fish net...

Six-legged octopus trapped

We then found a little children's doll with a flag tied to a fence!

Smile! And do not enter.

Whose flag is this?

And a tree with a very comfy looking branch hanging over the water...

Tree.

Demotivation

I feel awful today. I have the time, but not the energy and the motivation to work on... anything really. Started with a Google search on "demotivated working alone". It describes my current feeling best. Demotivated. Lonely. And then I hit this post. It breaks demotivation down to 10 sub-types:

1. You’re demotivated by fear
2. You’re demotivated by setting the wrong goals
3. You’re demotivated by lack of clarity about what you want
4. You’re demotivated by a values-conflict
5. You’re demotivated by lack of autonomy
6. You’re demotivated by lack of challenge
7. You’re demotivated by grief
8. You’re demotivated by loneliness
9. You’re demotivated by burn-out
10. You’re demotivated by not knowing what to do next

My biggies are in order #9, #8, #7 and perhaps a little bit of #6.

#9 Burnout

This is the big one. Even after 21 months, I've still not recovered from the burnout at PMT. I feel I still need more rest, but I am not getting that because of insomnia. 

#8 Loneliness

I am trying to do everything on my own. I don't have a team close to me that I can talk to and that works with me on my plans. Skype and IM are not substitutes for a real team. I have no clue how to fix this at present. The anti-madness woman said the same thing last week. I need to find someone that can sit next to me that can execute part of the plan. 

#7 Grief

Yep Grief. I am still grieving the loss of my company and the friends and support the gave me. This one is getting better - I've reestablished most of the friendships that were taken away from me, but one. I guess this will take time. One of the major issues remaining is that I need to come to terms with the loss of my team. This ties in with #8 above. I think as soon as I get the team-issue sorted, the grief will also go away. I big part of grief is also that I am not getting the validation I am looking for so desperately. Validation from the very people that betrayed me. How crazy is that? I guess step one is to understand that I have that need and then to accept that and not do anything about it. 

#6 Lack of a challenge

I think this is a secondary issue that will just go away as soon as I get the three issues above under control.