The day I should have realised I was done for

I was just going through my emails trying to reconcile payments between me and a friend when I stumbled upon this email I sent in another lifetime:

From: Rudolph van Graan <rvg@ex-company>

Subject: Precipice
Date: 17 August 2010 13:51:53 GMT+01:00
To: <Narcissist>, <Friend whom I miss>

I have entered a major depressive cycle after Thursday's meeting. My ability to be resilient and deal with pressure is severely compromised. I simply don't have the energy to deal with <ex-employee 1> and <ex-project 1> and <ex-project 2> and a sick <ex-employee 2> and <ex-employee 3> at the moment. I simply can't. 

(to) <Narcissist> - I am sorry, but I have to take sick leave now, I am going mad. I cannot go to <random country> tomorrow.

I remember getting in the company car shortly after this - in tears - and driving home. It felt awful. I stopped somewhere under a bridge on the N1 and screamed and screamed. I got to Erna's house and went down to the bedroom and just fell on the bed shivering. I think it was my first ever panic attack. 

Honestly I can't remember what happened on the Thursday. I can see a lot of emails about <ex-project 1> and some from the customer screaming about <ex-project 2>. Ah... and then I found this beauty:

From: <Narcissist>

To: Rudolph van Graan, <Friend whom I miss>

Dear Rudolph and <Friend whom I miss>

I need an urgent Directors meeting at <time and location>. Please let me know if this is ok for both your diaries. I have a <another time> with <ex-customer> in <somewhere> with an <something>, so I need to leave by 3.30 pm

Thanks

<Narcissist>

I think it was about me not delivering on my commitments as usual and there was a lot of screaming involved.  Needless to say, it drove me nuts over the subsequent weekend so much so that by the 17th I was shattered.
I should have realised that I went over the burnout threshold then. It wasn't because I was a bad person or that I didn't want to meet my commitments, but because I had to manhandle 4 or 5 projects while some people could leave the office by 3.30 pm. My last mails in the previous week went out on average 22:30 and sometimes as late as 23:30. 

Snowy weekend

I must say this weekend past was just great. Herman's mother Erna visited us for the past two weeks and it ended with the first snow this year. I really enjoyed it. It makes you feel so alive.

I really love how everything just goes all quiet and that there is this amazing light everywhere.

I took the image of the iced red berries on the Thames Path at Anglesey Wharf.
I took the image of the snowman here around the corner from where we live in North Greenwich. It was obviously the nose that got my attention :)

Burnout...

I have been torturing myself for months because I just couldn't get excited about anything. At first I thought it was all because of a recurring bout of depression. Maybe it was. But I got that treated and I am already feeling much better. But still no lust for life, no creative juice, no sense that I want to build something again. And then in the car yesterday, I asked Jacques if he seriously believed that it will all come back to me with time, it hit me like that blow from a hammer.

I burned out a year ago.

I am still going through the recovery. And that is why I struggle so much. Yes Jacques, you said it to me many times and I didn't hear you. But now that I've read nine articles, I know that it is indeed what is wrong with me.

What a strange realisation for 31 December 2011.

Farewell Steve

I woke up today with the news that my hero has died.

I have to reflect on this - now - so that I don't betray the incredible emotions I felt today. I feel incredibly sad - so sad that I can hardly think.

The last time something affected me as this did was when Jenny died. It is hard to describe - I didn't know him, but it feels as though I did. When Jenny died, I heard about it through an off-hand remark on a phone call. When Steve died, I heard it from someone else. I had to ask him to repeat what he said to me. But the same bombshell struck both times. I was near to tears for most of the day - I am still now.

Why do I feel this way? I realised that I was drawing parallels between his life and my one. We both got kicked out of the company we loved. We both had to start over. I have some of the things he said that inspired me most on my computer and I look at it every day. It is that what gave me the will to go on.

It is so sad that the end came the way it did. I was still hoping that he would make a surprise appearance on Tuesday with the new iPhone launch. That didn't happen. He is dead now.

I must say, the man was amazing. He is one of the very few people in this world that truly inspired me. I want to be like him.

I will miss him very much indeed.

Farewell Steve.

I haven't blogged for a long time. Too long. Much has happened. Most recently I finished this book. True it took me less than twenty minutes to read. But then I read it twice again. That took the rest of the hour. I like the way the author simplified some of the biggest issues one can face. B calls it Zombies. I call it issues. But it is important to not get stuck.

I realised that I got stuck in my past the last couple of months. It is really time to move on. So much changed since that dreadful day in January. I am still looking for a purpose, but not as much as before. This last weekend I embarked on a new journey that will shape things in the coming months. I can't say much, except that it will cause a whole lot of red next year :)

Why a good working knowledge of English is important

Jacques and I went to his school today. I spotted these bags of dishwasher salt in the corner of the kitchen. I asked him about it. He explained it to me as follows. Kilogram. Gram. Dishwasher salt. One Polish immigrant. (She got confused with gram vs kilogram!).

My Orchid Babies

I've got 20 of them now. Growing them indoors next to my computer. The best way to keep them happy is to use distilled water and to "spritz" them every morning before work. I used to water them, but since I stopped doing that, they absolutely flourished. The are happy in a cool room (18C), with only artificial light.